Emma has been off of all anti-psychotic drugs for over 6 months, and has even stopped taking medication for chronic migraine headaches. She is better – not shielding her eyes from lights being too bright, and doesn’t get anxiety when she hears sirens from ambulances. She does errands, drives occasionally, cooks breakfast every day, does laundry, cleans the house, does chores.
Sounds great, right? It is, but it also isn’t. I see a disconnect in her eyes – almost as if she is retarded and not processing thoughts consciously. She is very obsessive compulsive about closing doors, checking on the oven, taking supplements for whatever disorder she thinks she has.
She found some worms on her skin and started taking de-worming products, which had real worms coming out of her. Her M.D. thinks that she is nuts and told me that she should have a spiritual cleansing to rid her of her mental problems. She also wanted Emma to go see a psychiatrist – no thank you, because drugs can make Emma worse.
Emma is now very religious and thinks God and angels are making everything okay and beautiful for her. She believes the devil and demons are real and playing tricks sometimes. Sometimes a simple task will take her hours to do. She enjoys and listens to music and sometimes acts like a child. She is so much better than before, but not enough.
She wants to be an interior designer but has not done anything to become one. She says that she will go to college and get a degree, but she isn’t college material. I suggest that she start by taking one class at a local community college first to get back into schooling but that isn’t an option with her.
It is good that she has dreams and goals, but they are dreams and goals that will take a lot of work to achieve, and she does NOTHING to get there, not even a first tiny step, and it frustrates the hell out of me. I feel like I am going mad – not just because of Emma, but because of how I feel towards myself. I feel that I am a terrible mother and terrible wife, and it would really be better for everyone if I weren’t around, which, I know, sounds crazy, BUT, I really hate me right now.
Is Emma better? Yes, absolutely, but she is far from being okay in my eyes. The thing is, my eyes and emotion are not to be trusted right now. This mother is walking a thin line.