Today, as I dropped Emma off on one of her doctor appointments, Emma said that she cannot trust me because of how I am going against my husband’s religion.
To my credit, I didn’t say anything, but it made me fume. It is true that I feel opposed to the teachings of his religion because of their basic teachings that they are God’s people, and others are not. The day that he got baptized, against my wishes, was probably one of the worse days of our married life. I felt as if he chose the religion and the salvation they promised, and left me behind to not get saved. If I was a sheepish thinker, it would be better because then I would have also joined with him, and he would probably be ecstatic – a loving wife following in his footsteps. However, I am getting off track from the subject of Emma.
I fumed, and then realized that I do not trust Emma anymore either. Not because of religion, but because she is behaving bizarrely lately. Spending money that she does not have, keeping secrets, lying, blaming others, finding fault with me.
Little things are adding up, and already, I am fed up. I really feel so close to going over the edge, but I must keep it together, for the sake of my husband’s health. At almost all costs, I feel that I need to shield him from stress, but my mental anxiety is weighin down on me so much, I want to just let go and walk into a sword.
I feel like I am living with an enemy right now, and the enemy’s name is Emma. She sometimes says things to my husband that I perceive as a wedge between us, but perhaps it is because I am feeling so overwhelmed and not thinking straight.
Lately, Emma plays her spiritual kind of music on her iPhone and the sounds irritate me – it is definitely not my kind of music. She sometimes blasts the music on the television hookup and I want to scream for her to shut it off, but I try and ignore it for the sake of peace in the house for my husband. Have you ever tried to ignore something that is bothering you and constantly there? I find it impossible, I am so far from being at peace.
I know that the person who must change is me, but I honestly don’t think I can. One year ago, Emma would ask anyone within earshot, “How can I survive?” Today, it is what I am asking. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.