It has been a long time since I last posted – almost a year ago!
I really don’t know how I got through the year. Emma’s ranting and episodes wore down on me and she was again admitted into the mental ward of the hospital for 15 days. She was deemed to be dangerous because of her hatred towards me. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell them to keep her and throw away the key.
Meanwhile, my husband’s health went from poor to worse to staying in the hospital for months. I was torn between staying at the hospital with him or being home with Emma just in case she went over the edge. Whenever I was at home and sleeping at night, I always had one part of my consciousness alert to her possibly hurting me. She couldn’t really be left alone, but no one else was there to watch her.
Thankfully, my other daughter came come back to live with us, and her presence was like a breath of fresh air. Emma had a sister who was kind and gentle to her. She even started going out with an old high school friend who took her out often so that she could be with others her own age. I could spend my time at the hospital with my dear wonderful husband.
The following months passed as a blur as all my attention was focused on getting my husband back on his feet and home. It never happened, and he passed away a year after his initial diagnosis.
During this time, Emma qualified for food stamps, health care, and even social security disability benefits. I am so grateful that we live in a county that takes care of the sick and misfortunate and I now gladly pay my taxes.
Emma was deemed to be too unstable to attend behavioral classes so Emma’s psychiatrist increased her medication and put her on 40 mg of Zyprexa, 1 mg of Chlonazepam, and 1000 mg of Depacote to control her anger issues. A month later she began attending behavioral classes daily.
Emma’s anger subsided, and she now became like a robot. Very docile, no outburst, doing everything she was told to do. Still some anxiety but no fear of black people or ambulances. Light did not bother her anymore. Her vision became blurry and she began to wear prescription glasses.
Her hands would shake but she was not aware of it. Now that Emma qualified under State care, she had her own case manager. She went through several – not by choice, but because some were let go and some of them moved on. A few of them were very poor case managers, and some of them were excellent. They set up appointments for her, filled out forms and called the agencies for her. They took her to psychiatric appointments and made sure she understood the dosage and drug that she was supposed to take.
A few months of this and we all noticed that Emma seemed to be getting slower and slower. Her mouth hung open all the time and she stood in the middle of rooms, just zoning out. She seemed like a retarded person without opinions of her own.
At our suggestion to her psychiatrist, her drug dosage was reduced. Zyprexa was dropped to 30 mg with out too much negative reaction. It seemed to us that Emma was functioning better but she complained about things being scary sometimes. After 2 weeks, her psychiatrist cut out her Chlonazepam dosage and also dropped her Zyprexa another 10 mg. I don’t really understand why he adjusted 2 of her drugs at the same time.
Emma was already afraid that she would see scary things. She was feeling a bit more like herself and had a new friend that would take her out for shopping, dinner, etc. One night she came home shaking – she had been out for hours and everyone around her looked scary and strange. Her mouth started shaking and her tongue would dart in and out, in and out.
She wanted to go back on the original dosage of Zyprexa, which the psychiatrist (who was VERY prescription oriented) would have gladly agreed to, but we persuaded Emma to stay the course.
Emma has been losing weight because she is not always hungry anymore, the way she used to be when she was on 40 mg of Zyprexa. She doesn’t seemed drugged out and sluggish – perhaps because she is no longer taking Chlonazepam.
This is the point at which we are right now, in April 2015. She is on 20 mg of Zyprexa (10 mg in the morning, 10 mg at night), and 1000 mg of Depacote.
Our goal, even if it is not Emma’s goal, is to be off of psychotic medications for good. I don’t know what it will take – brain supplements, detoxification (we need to test her mercury levels one of these days), behavioral therapy, accupuncture, hypnosis, electronic stimulation – something will hopefully work.
Prescription drugs can help stabilize, but they do not cure. The quest continues.